Appotus Dominus

[Cassra]

10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE



1. Don't get in line asking questions about the
food. 'Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens
fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni
and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more
question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your
fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.


2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit
your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not
the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and
walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.


3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will
escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to
them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them
that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to
start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come
upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I
will break a foot off in their asses!


4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving
dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year
old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of
jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for
the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute
is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will
be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.


5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up
for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your
greedy ass home next year!


6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch
you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that
I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything
over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a
misunderstanding.


7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!


8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come
and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!


9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!!
There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat
dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK
THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.


10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This
is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until
Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate.
Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you
leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin
Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So
VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS
CARDS YET!