Appotus Dominus

[Mandaar]

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at age 45. He arrived at the gates of
Heaven, and the Angel standing there said "We've been waiting a long
time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, and in the prime of my
life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45. you're 82," replied the Angel.

"Wait a minute, I can show you my birth certificate", exclaimed Joe.

"Hold on, let me go check again" said the Angel. He disappeared inside
and after a few minutes the Angel returned. "Sorry but by our records
you are 82."

Puzzled, Joe asked; "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Well", said the Angel, "I checked all the hours you have billed your
clients, and at that rate you have to be no less than 82."

[IoneMonk]

As Mr. Burns would say, "Excellent."

And now, "The Bronze Rat"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill. He panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[IoneMonk]

A noted lawyer, I.R. Alyer, was killed in a horrible traffic accident. He was mangled beyond all recognition, impaled on his steering wheel and had to be extracted from his BMW in bits and peices by the jaws of life as onlookers stood aghast.

Alyer's long time client called his office the next day and asked for him. "Oh, I'm sorry," his receptionist replied, "Mr. Alyer, was killed in a horrible traffic accident. He was mangled beyond all recognition, impaled on his steering wheel and had to be extracted from his BMW in bits and peices by the jaws of life."

The next day, the client called again, and again the receptionist apologized, saying "Mr. Alyer, was killed in a horrible traffic accident. He was mangled beyond all recognition, impaled on his steering wheel and had to be extracted from his BMW in bits and peices by the jaws of life...."

The third day, the client called again and the receptionist immediately recognized his voice. "I told you what happened," she said. "Why do you keep calling?"

"I just like to hear the story," the client said.