Appotus Dominus

[WinterleafDE]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into
a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up,
looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember,! exactly, . . . . . . Peter, Peter,
something or other..."
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

PINOCCHIO
had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when
they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if
he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio
bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
____________ _________ _________ _________ ______

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"


"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

*************************************************************
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of
a ghost."
_________________

[Eurynome]

hahahahaha omg those were great!

ROTFLMAO