Appotus Dominus

[Maelria]

The following two articles were written by a friend of mine and I think that most guys will appreciate them. Ladies, I apologize in advance:

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...




Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "The rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
[Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!]


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them
makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides
we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.


For those wondering, Dishi slapped me 17 times total while reading this.
Maelria

[mcmosh]

damn now only if you can make them learn that!


sorry about the pm still not awake

[carp75]

lol I'm glad I don't have to worry about a lot of these since Eury is actually more straightforward than I am.
_________________
"Political correctness is as useful to our society as racism"

~Carp

[Mandaar]

This post is the most important thing ever posted on any message board.

Really.... that is exactly how we work. I'm going to tatoo that on my chest.

I especially liked the part about do not fucking expect us to read your mind. SOOOO many women want a man to sift through her thousands of moods and do just the right thing. This post is why I'm single. That and I'm really, really stupid when it comes to chosing partners.

HOWEVER, I understand men suck, are miserable company, don't do anything right, smell bady, are inconsiderate, and aren't well trained in just about anything domestic, and have thousands of other flaws.

Just know that going in and don't suddenly forget when you move in =D.